General – Seite 5 – Food for thoughts

Reflection: Value of things

This week, I found a quote from Moliere in my desk calendar: „Things are only worth what you make of them.“

In parallel, my son has been learning about the Incas and the Spanish conquistador.

Historical background Destruction of the Inca Empire:

The monk Victor Valverde beginning the 16th century held a cross in his left hand and a Bible in his right. He approached Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, and asked him to submit. He explained that he wanted to proclaim the one true faith to him and all his „pagan“ people. Atahualpa also learnt from this monk about the Pope in faraway Rome, as God on earth. This pope, Valverde continued, had granted the Spanish king the right to rule the Americas and the peoples who inhabited them. Atahualpa rejected this and wished to remain in his faith.

The Bible given by Valverde. As the Incas found it incomprehensible and useless, Atahualpa angrily threw the Holy Scriptures of the Europeans at the monk’s feet. The Spaniards had achieved what they had set out to do. Valverde signalled the attack by saying: „Kill the heathen dogs, these godless Indians!“

The end of the Incas came only because of a different perspective of the worth of a book. Of neutrally observed, the Bible is a bunch of written papers, in this case put together around with leather. For the Spanish it was a holy sacrament, but for the Incas it was just paper of one, who wanted to under-rule them.

It’s like a loved teddy bear. To the owner it may be the most precious thing in the world, but to an outsider it’s just cloth and wool.

Value is only a matter of perspective, so we should be open to the perspectives of others.

What do you think?

Value of emptiness

Imagine that all the cups in your cupboard are already full. Each cup represents a specific drink. Whenever you take out the long, red cup, it contains grape juice. The long, red cup is conditioned with the taste of grape juice.

Imagine the same experience happening from year to year. One day, someone mixes in grapefruit juice. Do you think you would be able to taste it?

If you believe the conditioning, this will not happen. You will taste grape juice again and not the mixture of grape- and grapefruit juice. It will be the same as always. Your brain will not notice the slight difference.

Something similar happens to people. They always seem to be the same. What is forgotten is that every person develops, learns, begins to think and act regarding to different perspectives, and forgets others behaviours or thoughts. If we are allowed to accompany a person for a longer period, we notice the changes less. If we don’t see this person for a long time and meet the person again, we expect to meet the same person as we know from „before“. We look for behaviours that are very familiar to us to confirm that it is still the same as „before“. We overlook the grapefruit note, as the person may have aged but is not the same.

To recognize the grapefruit, mindfulness is a good solution. This means just being in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.

According to Bruce Lee: “ In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is so useful? Because it is empty.“ (Bruce Lee, John Little: Bruce Lee´s Striking Thoughts, Wisdom for daily living; Publisher Tuttle; 20002, s. 30)

In this way you also have the freedom to pour wine into the cup. This enriches your experience and the joy of diversity.

Orientation in the jungle of the finance and insurance market

The financial and insurance market is a field of its own, and nowadays you have to be an expert in it. That’s why many people look for an external expert to give them a honest recommendation tailored to their needs and goals. Unfortunately, however, there are also advisors in this field who are more interested in a high acquisition premium than long-term customer support and care.

The interesting thing is that we are all a little biased as the finance and insurance market is often seen as a domain for men and not women. There are only 6% women in senior positions in the finance industry. Women are paid 23% less than men, the normal difference is 18% as measured in 2020 by the Federal Office Germany (Ist die Finanzbranche bis heute eine Männerdomäne? I Plutos). That’s why I think we can make a difference and find a female financial and insurance advisor.

In my past, I had a few male financial and insurance advisors, who gave me advice, which I followed. But in the end it was more for their benefit and nobody was interested in a long-term collaboration, as I realised after signing the contract. I now worked with a female financial and insurance advisor Ann-Kathrin Pögl and her behaviour was completely different. She first tried to understand my goals and my overall financial situation and then made suggestions. When I had questions after I signed my contract, she was still patient and continues to help me beyond that. She continues to support me in all matters even after the contract has been signed and helps me to find solutions or revisits the existing insurance contracts with me. She is always looking for better personalised options for me and my family. I have been working with her for almost 3 years and I am delighted with her honesty and balanced advice. I can only recommend her.

Maybe it’s time to overcome your bias and turn to a female financial advisor like Ann-Kathrin Pögl .

VUCA way of communication

The acronym VUCA was coined by Warren Bennis and Burt Nanus in 1998. VUCA stands for volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. My book „Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen; Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen“ (access 2007) shows how we can adapt out communication towards the VUCA world.

The traditional thinking of the SSEE world in communication should be changed it to a more VUCA style. SSEE stands for Stable, Secure, Easy and Explicit. Here is an overview of the changes in communication due to the easy acquisition of knowledge accessible for everyone and the rapid obsolescence of knowledge:

S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

Listening and silence are crucial for our conversation

We all assume that we are great listeners. Are we really one? No-one can prove it at the end, as the interpretation and assumptions of what was heard are maily not equal with the interpretation and assumptions of the speaker. To reduce this gap as much as posible, try the method ATTENTIVE listening.

ATTENTIVE listening:

Accept that multitasking is not possible, focus on listening only and follow the conversational flow.
Teaching and instructing do not go well with attentive listening, they belong in schools and courtrooms.
To ask questions as openly as possible is crucial, but don´t over prepare the conversation through question list. Questions are normally coming naturally.
Even repetition, paraphrasing and duplications should be avoided.
Not knowing and admitting it helps the conversation flow.
To the point and short should be your own statements.
Individual are our emotions which means they are free from any comparison and judgement and none of us would have in the same situation same emotions.
Very important is, that reproduction of rumors, word of mouth or hearsay does not belong to attentive listening.
Empathy and equality is the basis of a successful attentive conversation.

Are you curious to read more about the importancy of good listening skills, read my bock chapter „4.3 Zuhören und Stille ermöglichen, bewusst zu denken” reference page 143 following.

Almost 1000 accesses to my book: “Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen“

Looking back on the time I spent writing the book, it took me a lot of patience to validate and substantiate the contents of the book. It was worth it because the research was very interesting and fruitful as I found wonderful studies and literature that supported my approach and scientifically proved its practicality. The approach developed for the company could not be fully based on valid literature at the time, as I had only two months to develop it for the company, so I researched to find sound studies for the book’s content. The proven and validated content showed me that the dialogue approach was thought provoking and can change in a more human way the conversation in business and beyond.

The book I have written builds on most of the available communication books I have now read and will take the reader to a more advanced level of communication. It is less about recipes on how to convince people of your opinion. Even one part of the book is about how the reader can detect such recipes that are designed to get other people to do something for the person (manipulation). My book is much more about having an honest conversation. This is not just about being honest about the content of the conversation, but also about being honest with yourself in order to uncover the thought patterns and subconscious of the other person(s) and to become aware of your own. This approach allows us to meet each other as people rather than as roles or functions.

Our autonomic nervous system influences thoughts and feelings

Deb Dana and Deb Grant develop a model to illustrate the connection between emotion, thoughts (Psychology) and the effect of the autonomeous nervus system (Biology). (source: The Polyvagal PlayLab: Helping Therapists Bring Polyvagal Theory to Their Clients)

Deb Dana and Deb Grant This “ladder-model“ is build on Stephen Porges “Polyvagal Theory”. The three aspects emotion, thoughts and autonomeous nerveoussystem influence each other and are dependent from each other. By understanding these dependencies, actions can be derived that calm the autonomic nervous system and enable us to develop more lighter and uplifting thoughts and emotions.

The “ladder mapping” divided our modes into three phases:

Darkness:

Feelings that prevail for example: blurred, hopeless, loss of focus, numb, cold, hopeless, closed, helpless
Thoughts are for example: I am… invisible, lonely, lost, unlovable and the world around me is… cold, hostile, dark
From the autonomic nervous system the dorsal-vagal nervous system is active. Which leads to immobilization and freezing / stagnation. Through this the person can collapse.

Chaos

Feelings predominate for example: it is out of control, overwhelming, confusing, full of anger, confronting and the desire to run away
Thoughts that arise are for example: I am… different, crazy, unacceptable
The autonomic nervous system is the sympathetic nervous system. This has a mobilizing effect, creating a readiness to fight and curse

Balance

Feelings that prevail are for example: connected, warm-hearted, open, curious, committed, passionate, relaxed
Thoughts are: I am … okay and the world around me is full of possibilities and enriching
The active autonomeous nerves system is the ventral vagal part / smart vagus, which enables security and social interaction.

These three phases have parallels to the griefing / change phase according to Kübler Ross (source: change curve), There are five phases described:

Shock and denial, which is paralell to the „darkness-ladder“
Anger is equal to the „chaos-ladder“
Bargaining is between „Chaos-“ and „Balance-ladder“
Depression: Is going back to „Darkness-ladder“
Acceptance: at the end is the „Balanced ladder“

Tip to overcome better the „darkness-“ and „chaos ladder“:

The SMART vagus is activated in empathic conversations, which is why psychotherapy and coaching are very powerful. Whereby personal contact with people, in reallity and not virtually, is important for the unconciousness to „co-regulate“ and create the neurozeption. Neuroception activated the SMART vagus and stop the dorsal vagus and sympathikus. This happens only optimal when conversational partner meat real (not virtual) conversation, as this was learnd from the unconciousness through evolutrion. This happens through the autonomic nervous system (unconciousness), which scans constantly the environments and registers external stimuli. A positive facial expression, a friendly smile, people who take their time and do nothing but listen, a calm and relaxed voice are necessary to bring the autonomic nervous system out of immobilization or fight or flight. Singing and deep breathing is also supportive, as it has a calming down effect.

If you find yourself on the ladder of darkness or chaos, then seek a personal conversation with a person who is sympathetic to you and accepts and respects you as an individual, this will calm your autonomic nervous system.

Causes of gullibility

Who doesn’t know the rumor mill? Rumors and erroneous or even distorted statements last a long time and stick to the people at the center of the „gossip“ like tar.

A study by Ecker et al. in 2022 got to the bottom of „the psychological drivers of misinformation belief and its resistance to correction“. The researchers found that two factors play a role in gullibility. These are:

Cognitive factors, which differ as follows:

Intuitions that arise from a low level of analysis
Cognitive inaccuracy due to not applying one’s own knowledge and ignoring counter-evidence, as well as not asking for valid sources
Illusions of truth created by the familiar atmosphere and interactions, as well as the coincidence with one’s own experiences

2. Social factors, which differs as follow

Credibility of groups. Hierarchically higher and elites are believed more, attractive people are rated as more credible and one’s own social affiliation plays a decisive role.
World views such as one’s own party or personal views are decisive here
Emotions, if a message is presented emotionally, it is believed more, and one’s own emotional state also plays a decisive role.

Tip:

Before investigating the rumours again and accepting what has been said as all too true, it is better to talk to the people who were involved. Listen to them and make up your own mind about the facts.

It is also important to recognise that higher hierarchies, celebrities or people of high status are as flawed and ‚fallible‘ as anyone else.

The psychological drivers of misinformation belief and its resistance to correction | Nature Reviews Psychology

Define your value / worth in life

We often give more power to others to decide what value we have. In my eyes this should be different. I think it should always start with allowing ourselves to recognise and internalise our own value.

We tend to accept that our value is defined by the opinions of others, by our salary or by our status symbols. We rarely reflect on the skills we possess and who we are in terms of character. What value would we place on ourselves?

In my opinion, we must first value ourselves from within and define how we see our own worth, not measure our own worth through the eyes of others who can only judge from their own beliefs and value us by comparing us to what they are doing. Appreciation that comes from the outside has to be seen in the context of the situation. As an extreme example to illustrate my thoughts, surely the value that a mafia boss would define would be opposite to a clergyman on some issues.

When we begin to value ourselves, we will be able to value others in a non-judgmental way. If we begin to value ourselves, we will be more patient with others and less competitive, because we will have little or no need for the appreciation and recognition of others.

Our own appreciation and esteem for ourselves should be enough and weigh more than that of others.

I found this story, with thanks to Nadja Sandmann for posting the German version, which illustrates these thoughts very well: https://youtu.be/tb5iRxXahyI

Chocolate and its dark side

Chocolate in all combinations and tasts smile at you from every supermarket. But the sweet seduction also has its dark side. I’m not talking about dark chocolate, but about what researchers have recently discovered.

In a study of 1018 adults (694 men and 324 women) from San Diego, California, without diabetes or known coronary artery disease was studied in a cross-sectional analysis, wanted to find out whether depressive or depressive-prone people have an increased consumption of chocolate.

This was indeed proven. The higher the score for depression, the higher the chocolate consumption.

It is still unclear whether chocolate triggers depression or whether depression causes more chocolate to be eaten in order to activate serotonin production.

It’s just like Paracelsus said: „All things are poisons, for there is nothing without poisonous qualities. It is only the dose which makes a thing poison.“