Kategorie: Communication

Balance socialisation with individualisation

Today’s quote comes from Simone de Beauvoir: „Happiness consists in living like the whole world and yet being like no one else.“

The quote got me thinking. Does happiness really consist of being like the rest of the world? How can you still be unique then?

In the end, I came to the conclusion that there is a lot of truth in it. It’s easier to live like everyone else and in a way we have to, otherwise we can’t really get anywhere. Social life depends on being similar to the general public. There are certain rules, norms and values that we all have to adhere to so that social coexistence is possible. This can apply to a country as well as to smaller organisations, groups of friends or families.

Without similar values, mindsets and attitudes, actions and behaviours could diverge to such an extent that misunderstandings arise and ultimately work against each other, which would reduce recognition and appreciation. A common basis for behaviour and actions leads to a focus of energy and greater success.

Within these limits, however, it makes sense to live out one’s own individuality in order to feel satisfaction and happiness. This reminds me of Martin Seligman’s PERMA model. Martin Seligman researched why some people feel happier and more satisfied than others. He found that perceived happiness depends on five factors.

These have been summarised in the acronym PERMA and mean

P = Positive emotions

E = Engagement

R = Relationship

M = Meaning (Sense)

A = Accomplishment

Positive emotions arise when you can live out your personality and concentrate on the positive things. You can discover something positive every day, be it a small blossom or a carefree smile on a child’s face. Engaged action is binding and can be done in your own individual way. Good relationships with others arise when you are similar and yet uniquely individual. Discovering meaning in an action can only happen if you derive the meaning yourself and find it in your own individual way. Seeing success as accomplishment, recognising your own contribution to success, is the final aspect of feeling happiness and satisfaction.

Indicator of appreciative teams

The quote of the week comes from Theodor W. Adorno and says: ‘You are only loved where you are allowed to show yourself weak without provoking strength.’

I find this quote very fascinating, and it got me thinking. Love should be unconditional, free and nurturing. Love is not only the love in a relationship, to the ‘love partner’, but also to children, to other people, if you look at it more broadly, to all those who support us and are entrusted to us. Being loved can perhaps be equated, at least for this quote, with being recognised, respected and valued, with one’s whole personality.

If you relate this quote to the professional context, it could represent the relationship between superiors and employees. This is a fantastic indicator, whether you have a real team or only a group with individuals and ego driven behaviour.

As a manager, the tendency to lead people is to be a servant leader. This means that as a manager, employees are empowered to take responsibility for the tasks assigned to them in a self-organised and independent manner. To this leadership style belong a mistake culture and learning culture from things which are not perfect. It’s the way to lead as human with emotions strength and learning fields.

Being courageous as a manager means showing ´weaknesses´ the own learning fields, for example showing emotions such as concern, admitting `weaknesses` in some task the employee has to or having a bad memory for specific things or not knowing something and making mistakes. In such moments, the manager shows that he / she is a human being.

If the manager is accepted, the team will see such behaviour as a strength and show the manager understanding. In this case you have a real team working with respect, loyalty, acceptance and role understanding. They interact in an eco driven way and not ego driven.

In a team that does not tolerate the manager or a team member informally claims the position of power, the manager’s ´weakness´ or emotional behaviour is exploited. Mistakes are blown out of proportion, emotions are over-interpreted, or mistakes or other issues are made fun of – not directly, of course, but rather indirectly.

That would be a provocation of strength. To turn human sides and thus ‘weakness’ against the person, who has shown it.

If this provocation happens, it’s time to work on acceptance within the team, address the issue openly and demand the respect that everyone deserves. In such team, it will be necessary to work on trust and role responsibility.

With you starts the better world

The quote of the week that inspired me this time is: “We cannot change this world until individuals change.” (Marie Curie)

Marie Curie lived from 1867 to 1934. She was the only woman to be awarded the Nobel Prize several times. She works manly in natural science. Some of these fields were and still are male-dominated.

Marie Curie changed the world in her own way, because she did not succumb to the stigmas that were and sometimes still are attributed to women. Marie Curie dared to question the prejudices and pigeonholing of others and devoted herself to her urge and desire to research, single-mindedly without allowing herself to be dissuaded. In my eyes, she is a pioneer in showing that change at an individual level can have a big impact and make a difference.

What does that mean for the individual? It doesn’t have to be the Nobel Prize or being the first to do something. In my opinion, it’s small things like asking yourself:

What stereotypes, prejudices and premature assumptions do I consciously or unconsciously make about individuals?

  • How can I manage to be more neutral towards the person I am dealing with?
  • What do I need to keep being curious about what I can learn from the person I am talking to?
  • How can I talk to the person even better?
  • How can I take a step back with my wisdom and understand that my answers only apply to myself?
  • How can I meet someone at eye level?
  • How do I manage to take a step back with my wisdom and understand that my answers only apply to myself?
  • How can I meet someone at eye level, regardless of their status or education?

To know that we are all worth the same and that we are simply human and allowed to be human.

Value of emptiness

Imagine that all the cups in your cupboard are already full. Each cup represents a specific drink. Whenever you take out the long, red cup, it contains grape juice. The long, red cup is conditioned with the taste of grape juice.

Imagine the same experience happening from year to year. One day, someone mixes in grapefruit juice. Do you think you would be able to taste it?

If you believe the conditioning, this will not happen. You will taste grape juice again and not the mixture of grape- and grapefruit juice. It will be the same as always. Your brain will not notice the slight difference.

Something similar happens to people. They always seem to be the same. What is forgotten is that every person develops, learns, begins to think and act regarding to different perspectives, and forgets others behaviours or thoughts. If we are allowed to accompany a person for a longer period, we notice the changes less. If we don’t see this person for a long time and meet the person again, we expect to meet the same person as we know from „before“. We look for behaviours that are very familiar to us to confirm that it is still the same as „before“. We overlook the grapefruit note, as the person may have aged but is not the same.

To recognize the grapefruit, mindfulness is a good solution. This means just being in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.

According to Bruce Lee: “ In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is so useful? Because it is empty.“ (Bruce Lee, John Little: Bruce Lee´s Striking Thoughts, Wisdom for daily living; Publisher Tuttle; 20002, s. 30)

In this way you also have the freedom to pour wine into the cup. This enriches your experience and the joy of diversity.

VUCA way of communication

The acronym VUCA was coined by Warren Bennis and Burt Nanus in 1998.  VUCA stands for volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. My book „Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen; Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen“ (access 2007) shows how we can adapt out communication towards the VUCA world.

The traditional thinking of the SSEE world in communication should be changed it to a more VUCA style. SSEE stands for Stable, Secure, Easy and Explicit. Here is an overview of the changes in communication due to the easy acquisition of knowledge accessible for everyone and the rapid obsolescence of knowledge:

To understand how to have a more peer to peer conversation as equals will have, you will find many ideas and food for thoughts in my book:

S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

 

Self-reflection is not only important at the end of the year

In many cultures, we are used to reflecting on the past year and making promises to ourselves for the coming year. This is something we often do too little of in our everyday lives. Without regular, everyday reflection, it is difficult to learn and change behaviours that are needed for the now and are not based on past success.

The lack of reflection can be caused by the following:
– Daily stress
– Fear of discovering blind spots or letting the repressed come alive
– Sudden circumstances that intervene
– Inability to be honest

Our interpretation is unique because we construct it based on past experiences. Therefore, the following reflection questions can help us learn from observation:

  1. What were the three most important moments/situations in the conversation that just took place?
  2. Which reactions of the dialogue partner were surprising and were not addressed? What triggered this behaviour/reaction?
  3. What would have been an even more successful course of the conversation?
  4. What behaviour would have made the conversation even more successful? How can I get there next time?

In order to actually be able to answer these reflection questions, it makes the most sense to do this directly after the interview. Reflection cannot be done on the side, but it is important to stop and think. Only when you stop and reflect on what has happened can you understand and change your interpretation of the situation. Because our interpretation causes our feelings, and our feelings lead to our actions and beliefs. If reflection is postponed until later, the nuances of the conversation are weakened by your own construct.

Make reflecting on your behaviour and conversation to your routine, and don’t just limit it to the turn of the year.

If you want to read more, see my book side 274 following: S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

Positive feelings: The result of questions

Feelings are the result of emotions. Positive feelings are a result of our thinking. According to Barbara Fredrickson, everyone can enable positive feelings through self-exploration:

  1. Happiness: what observation would make me happy under different circumstances?
  2. Gratitude: What can I be grateful for in this situation? What have I learned and what will I be grateful for in the future?
  3. Cheerfulness: How can I change the context so that it cheers me up? What elements would I enjoy under different circumstances?
  4. Interest: What was unexpected, what made me curious and what would I like to understand better?
  5. Hope: What can I change to make a difference next time? What can I do to make it more fun?
  6. Pride: What was I proud of in this situation? Which skills did I use best? What thought patterns got me this far?
  7. Pleasure: What could I have laughed at because it came as such a surprise?
  8. Inspiration: What behaviour, what message from my conversation partner did I find inspiring?
  9. Awe: What was so fascinating, wonderful, and heart-warming and made a deep impression on me? What is the big picture that is different from normality?
  10. Love: Was there a moment when all the above feelings came together?

This is challenging in many situations, but it helps us to build resilience. Practicing this promotes positive feelings, which lead to positive thinking, which leads to behaviour change.

In the long term, such thinking will transform challenging and static thinking patterns and beliefs into a growth mindset and positive thinking, and appropriate, empowering behaviour.

Give it a try!

For more information, read my book from side 114 forward:

Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen:
Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen
| SpringerLink

Listening and silence are crucial for our conversation

We all assume that we are great listeners. Are we really one? No-one can prove it at the end, as the interpretation and assumptions of what was heard are maily not equal with the interpretation and assumptions of the speaker. To reduce this gap as much as posible, try the method ATTENTIVE listening.

ATTENTIVE listening:

  • Accept that multitasking is not possible, focus on listening only and follow the conversational flow.
  • Teaching and instructing do not go well with attentive listening, they belong in schools and courtrooms.
  • To ask questions as openly as possible is crucial, but don´t over prepare the conversation through question list. Questions are normally coming naturally.
  • Even repetition, paraphrasing and duplications should be avoided.
  • Not knowing and admitting it helps the conversation flow.
  • To the point and short should be your own statements.
  • Individual are our emotions which means they are free from any comparison and judgement and none of us would have in the same situation same emotions.
  • Very important is, that reproduction of rumors, word of mouth or hearsay does not belong to attentive listening.
  • Empathy and equality is the basis of a successful attentive conversation.

Are you curious to read more about the importancy of good listening skills, read my bock chapter „4.3 Zuhören und Stille ermöglichen, bewusst zu denken” reference page 143 following.

Almost 1000 accesses to my book: “Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen“

Looking back on the time I spent writing the book, it took me a lot of patience to validate and substantiate the contents of the book. It was worth it because the research was very interesting and fruitful as I found wonderful studies and literature that supported my approach and scientifically proved its practicality. The approach developed for the company could not be fully based on valid literature at the time, as I had only two months to develop it for the company, so I researched to find sound studies for the book’s content. The proven and validated content showed me that the dialogue approach was thought provoking and can change in a more human way the conversation in business and beyond.

The book I have written builds on most of the available communication books I have now read and will take the reader to a more advanced level of communication. It is less about recipes on how to convince people of your opinion. Even one part of the book is about how the reader can detect such recipes that are designed to get other people to do something for the person (manipulation). My book is much more about having an honest conversation. This is not just about being honest about the content of the conversation, but also about being honest with yourself in order to uncover the thought patterns and subconscious of the other person(s) and to become aware of your own. This approach allows us to meet each other as people rather than as roles or functions.

Our autonomic nervous system influences thoughts and feelings

Deb Dana and Deb Grant develop a model to illustrate the connection between emotion, thoughts (Psychology) and the effect of the autonomeous nervus system (Biology). (source: The Polyvagal PlayLab: Helping Therapists Bring Polyvagal Theory to Their Clients)

Deb Dana and Deb Grant This “ladder-model“ is build on Stephen Porges “Polyvagal Theory”. The three aspects emotion, thoughts and autonomeous nerveoussystem influence each other and are dependent from each other. By understanding these dependencies, actions can be derived that calm the autonomic nervous system and enable us to develop more lighter and uplifting thoughts and emotions.

The “ladder mapping” divided our modes into three phases:

Darkness:

  1. Feelings that prevail for example: blurred, hopeless, loss of focus, numb, cold, hopeless, closed, helpless
  2. Thoughts are for example: I am… invisible, lonely, lost, unlovable and the world around me is… cold, hostile, dark
  3. From the autonomic nervous system the dorsal-vagal nervous system is active. Which leads to immobilization and freezing / stagnation. Through this the person can collapse.

Chaos

  1. Feelings predominate for example: it is out of control, overwhelming, confusing, full of anger, confronting and the desire to run away
  2. Thoughts that arise are for example: I am… different, crazy, unacceptable
  3. The autonomic nervous system is the sympathetic nervous system. This has a mobilizing effect, creating a readiness to fight and curse

Balance

  1. Feelings that prevail are for example: connected, warm-hearted, open, curious, committed, passionate, relaxed
  2. Thoughts are: I am … okay and the world around me is full of possibilities and enriching
  3. The active autonomeous nerves system is the ventral vagal part / smart vagus, which enables security and social interaction.

These three phases have parallels to the griefing / change phase according to Kübler Ross (source: change curve), There are five phases described:

  1. Shock and denial, which is paralell to the „darkness-ladder“
  2. Anger is equal to the „chaos-ladder“
  3. Bargaining is between „Chaos-“ and „Balance-ladder“
  4. Depression: Is going back to „Darkness-ladder“
  5. Acceptance: at the end is the „Balanced ladder“

Tip to overcome better the „darkness-“ and „chaos ladder“:

The SMART vagus is activated in empathic conversations, which is why psychotherapy and coaching are very powerful. Whereby personal contact with people, in reallity and not virtually, is important for the unconciousness to „co-regulate“ and create the neurozeption. Neuroception activated the SMART vagus and stop the dorsal vagus and sympathikus. This happens only optimal when conversational partner meat real (not virtual) conversation, as this was learnd from the unconciousness through evolutrion. This happens through the autonomic nervous system (unconciousness), which scans constantly the environments and registers external stimuli. A positive facial expression, a friendly smile, people who take their time and do nothing but listen, a calm and relaxed voice are necessary to bring the autonomic nervous system out of immobilization or fight or flight. Singing and deep breathing is also supportive, as it has a calming down effect.

If you find yourself on the ladder of darkness or chaos, then seek a personal conversation with a person who is sympathetic to you and accepts and respects you as an individual, this will calm your autonomic nervous system.