Kategorie: Change

Our inner wealth

This week’s quote comes from Emil Cioran: „Our real wealth: the hours in which we have done nothing. They are what shape us, individualise us, distinguish us.“

I have discovered two possible interpretations of this quote, both of which go in a completely different direction.

The first interpretation I see is that our leisure time, which we don’t spend earning money, is crucial to how we develop. Do we just sit on the couch and let ourselves be entertained or are we active, learning a language, an instrument or going out into nature? Our experiences and adventures shape us and change us. This is how the difference in attitudes, interpretation patterns and attitudes arises. Perhaps this also has an influence on our prejudices and values, for example when we get to know other cultures and / or countries.

The second interpretation I see is that time shapes and changes us when we were simply in our thoughts, i.e. when we are doing nothing from the outside perspective. When we reflect on the day, our behaviour and, even more profoundly, our thoughts. In doing so, we become self-effective, self-aware and reconsider whether we have acted in accordance with our values and desires. We can also include our physical reactions in the reflection: How and what did I feel in the individual situations? How did my body feel? What did my body want to tell me in the situation? This reflection allows us to grow, as we can recognise and perceive a lot about ourselves. Through self-awareness, we can learn, grow and change. The main question is here what and not why, as why is seeking for quilt and is looking back. What is more future orientated and create opportunities (see research from Tasha Eurich).

My second interpretation is more of a mindfulness exercise that has been proven to help us develop. The development is different from that in my first interpretation of the quote. The above development leads to new or improved skills and abilities. The development below develops the mind and character.

Which interpretation do you choose?

Here are some links to meta-analysis of mindfulness:
– Frontiers | A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and motivation (frontiersin.org)
– A synthesis of meta-analyses of mindfulness-based interventi… : PAIN (lww.com)
– (4) (PDF) Meditation, Mindfulness, and Attention: a Meta-analysis (researchgate.net)
– (4) (PDF) Mindfulness as Attention Training: Meta-Analyses on the Links Between Attention Performance and Mindfulness Interventions, Long-Term Meditation Practice, and Trait Mindfulness (researchgate.net)

Listen to your inner voice

The quote that has accompanied me this week comes from Bettina von Armin: „Find yourself, be true to yourself, learn to understand yourself, follow your inner voice, only then can you reach the highest.“

This is certainly the path that makes us happy and content.  But in all the everyday life we face, the inner voice is very quiet and often barely perceptible, if at all. At times when the hustle and bustle around us is quieter, such as after work or at the weekend, we would have time to listen to our inner voice, become aware of our values and reflect on the day or the week.  But instead we distract ourselves with films, news, parties, etc. We allow ourselves to be drawn into the external and stay less in touch with our inner voice. We put off change and reassure ourselves that we can’t change it anyway. Unfortunately, this excuse is too common and too easy, so we like to use it again and again. But each of us can change more than we realise. After all, we should all have free will and use it accordingly to our values and culture in an acceptable.

One exercise is to realise what we can or cannot change. I think the following exercise based on an exercise by Kéré Sylvia Wellensiekand Kirsten Schwarz might be supportive to be more clear about your own influence in the world:

Create a 3-column table. Please change the column headings into: „changeable“ (column 2) and „unchangeable“ (column 3). The rows are labelled with „professional“ (row 2) and „private“ (row 3). Write down the topics that come to mind for each field. Concentrate on the areas that can be changed, and then think about small steps you can take to actually bring about these changes. Then check the unchangeable areas to see whether they are really outside your sphere of influence. If you are able to change parts of it, split the topic into smaller chunks. And think about the changeable pieces. Start with the first steps and plan accordingly with a time limit to reach the set aims.

Perhaps this little exercise on the subject of resilience will help you to reflect and give your inner voice more strength and volume.

Good is the better perfect

In my diary this week was the following quote from John Steinbeck: „And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.“ This quote got me thinking for a longer time. What is perfect? Who decides whether someone is perfect? As we all construct the world, which means we all interpret situations according to our experiences and memories, everyone would understand something different by perfect.

For example, an apple is perfect for one person if it is flawless and green. For another, an apple is perfect if it has red cheeks and a third finds the apple perfect if it has small spots, as it is then organic and natural.

How can there be, or is there, objective perfection at all? Is it perfection when everything is organised and straightforward? Isn’t chaos, the dynamic, what we need to bring change? Perfection cannot exist, because it is subjective and certainly not dynamic and therefore enable no changes. Being perfect means standing still. As the definition of perfect lies in the eyes oft he observer, the self must adapt and change in such a way that the observer can recognise perfection. This means the price of perfection is to mirrow the expectation of others and not to be yourself.

In my opinion, the solution lies in the second part of the quote: „You can be good.“ Since it is not possible to be perfect without losing yourself, each of us can try to be our own better self. The perfect lies hidden in the imperfect within ourselves. What we can do is to give our best every day by being mindful in the moment and always trying to activate the good that lies within each of us in the here and now. We can always dare and try to be the best and good version of ourselves. This requires a lot of courage, because the authentic self is much more vulnerable than an artificial self that changes in order to meet and fulfil the demands of the other person. So that the other person can recognise the perfect self that they have defined.

We should agree that being good is better and more dynamic than being perfect and is therefore much more promising for our self and our own growth.

What is your opinion?

Change is a challenge

My weekly calendar this week has a quote from

Percy Bysshe Shelly (*1792- Ɨ1822):

„The path of its departure still is free: Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow; Nought may endure but Mutability.“

Surely everyone knows these or similar statements, such as: „Nothing is more constant than change“. We often don’t realise how much everything around us is changing. Our day is largely made up of routines and recurring experiences. For example, many of us get up at the same time every day, start our day with coffee or tea, and so on. But it is never the same. There’s always something different, even if it’s the weather. We plan day by day and then something unforeseen happens and we might just change the daily routine a bit. We are used to all these small changes and can cope with them.

But what about big changes? Every change creates a little crisis. The processes we have learnt and used successfully in the past no longer produce the desired results or are simply no longer wanted. Change is always about stress and individual coping strategies.

Each change has a different impact on each individual. Change is and never has the same effect on an individual level.

With this sudden crisis weh ave to deal on an individual stage. Adviced are often not supportive as they are successful fort he advice giver but not for our own reality and live.

The only similarity is , that to acept and overcome change, we go all through four phases:

  1. Shock
  2. Reaction to the shock
  3. Processing with acceptance and finding solutions
  4. Reorienting ourselves and our environment

The phases are not chronological, they can occur simultaneously or they can repeat themselves, forming loops until a real solution is found.

Yes, change is the only thing that will always and everywhere be there, the question is what strategies we develop to move through the four phases successfully and effectively.

Speed is certainly not the measure for overcome change, but rather to find and follow our personal path that suits us.

Value of emptiness

Imagine that all the cups in your cupboard are already full. Each cup represents a specific drink. Whenever you take out the long, red cup, it contains grape juice. The long, red cup is conditioned with the taste of grape juice.

Imagine the same experience happening from year to year. One day, someone mixes in grapefruit juice. Do you think you would be able to taste it?

If you believe the conditioning, this will not happen. You will taste grape juice again and not the mixture of grape- and grapefruit juice. It will be the same as always. Your brain will not notice the slight difference.

Something similar happens to people. They always seem to be the same. What is forgotten is that every person develops, learns, begins to think and act regarding to different perspectives, and forgets others behaviours or thoughts. If we are allowed to accompany a person for a longer period, we notice the changes less. If we don’t see this person for a long time and meet the person again, we expect to meet the same person as we know from „before“. We look for behaviours that are very familiar to us to confirm that it is still the same as „before“. We overlook the grapefruit note, as the person may have aged but is not the same.

To recognize the grapefruit, mindfulness is a good solution. This means just being in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.

According to Bruce Lee: “ In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is so useful? Because it is empty.“ (Bruce Lee, John Little: Bruce Lee´s Striking Thoughts, Wisdom for daily living; Publisher Tuttle; 20002, s. 30)

In this way you also have the freedom to pour wine into the cup. This enriches your experience and the joy of diversity.

New Year: Focus on personal, character development

The new year is in the starting blocks and awaits us with many surprises and changes in our lives.

This is the time of the year when new goals are set, which are usually out of the question after a few weeks. This may be why younger people are more likely to make New Year’s resolutions. Statistically, 31% of 18-24 year olds set goals and resolutions for the New Year. 80% of the over 55s do not set any new goals or resolutions for the New Year. (Statista)

One reason for this may be that they have learned that New Year’s resolutions are often not stable and do not last in everyday life.

Instead of setting resolutions or goals, use New Year’s Day to reflect on what went really well in the past year and where you are in the present. What have you learnt? What was good this year?

Even if 2023 had some bad surprises in store for you, it also had good aspects to discover and focus on. We can all be grateful that we can end this year by focusing on the present and our own personal development. Instead of thinking about new resolutions, think about your behaviour and remember the times in the year that is drawing to a close, when you had the opportunity to learn and process your learning areas in order to become aware of your own development path. I am not referring to your professional development, but to your personal, character development.

For example, I learned that my family gives me strength and helps me to be resilient. I have been able to see for myself the impact of micro-politics and the importance of networks and real personal interactions. I am grateful to Springer Gabler for publishing my book. In this book, I was able to contribute my knowledge, which has helped and support me to develop myself further. What have you learnt, and what are you grateful for?

Self-reflection is not only important at the end of the year

In many cultures, we are used to reflecting on the past year and making promises to ourselves for the coming year. This is something we often do too little of in our everyday lives. Without regular, everyday reflection, it is difficult to learn and change behaviours that are needed for the now and are not based on past success.

The lack of reflection can be caused by the following:
– Daily stress
– Fear of discovering blind spots or letting the repressed come alive
– Sudden circumstances that intervene
– Inability to be honest

Our interpretation is unique because we construct it based on past experiences. Therefore, the following reflection questions can help us learn from observation:

  1. What were the three most important moments/situations in the conversation that just took place?
  2. Which reactions of the dialogue partner were surprising and were not addressed? What triggered this behaviour/reaction?
  3. What would have been an even more successful course of the conversation?
  4. What behaviour would have made the conversation even more successful? How can I get there next time?

In order to actually be able to answer these reflection questions, it makes the most sense to do this directly after the interview. Reflection cannot be done on the side, but it is important to stop and think. Only when you stop and reflect on what has happened can you understand and change your interpretation of the situation. Because our interpretation causes our feelings, and our feelings lead to our actions and beliefs. If reflection is postponed until later, the nuances of the conversation are weakened by your own construct.

Make reflecting on your behaviour and conversation to your routine, and don’t just limit it to the turn of the year.

If you want to read more, see my book side 274 following: S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

Positive feelings: The result of questions

Feelings are the result of emotions. Positive feelings are a result of our thinking. According to Barbara Fredrickson, everyone can enable positive feelings through self-exploration:

  1. Happiness: what observation would make me happy under different circumstances?
  2. Gratitude: What can I be grateful for in this situation? What have I learned and what will I be grateful for in the future?
  3. Cheerfulness: How can I change the context so that it cheers me up? What elements would I enjoy under different circumstances?
  4. Interest: What was unexpected, what made me curious and what would I like to understand better?
  5. Hope: What can I change to make a difference next time? What can I do to make it more fun?
  6. Pride: What was I proud of in this situation? Which skills did I use best? What thought patterns got me this far?
  7. Pleasure: What could I have laughed at because it came as such a surprise?
  8. Inspiration: What behaviour, what message from my conversation partner did I find inspiring?
  9. Awe: What was so fascinating, wonderful, and heart-warming and made a deep impression on me? What is the big picture that is different from normality?
  10. Love: Was there a moment when all the above feelings came together?

This is challenging in many situations, but it helps us to build resilience. Practicing this promotes positive feelings, which lead to positive thinking, which leads to behaviour change.

In the long term, such thinking will transform challenging and static thinking patterns and beliefs into a growth mindset and positive thinking, and appropriate, empowering behaviour.

Give it a try!

For more information, read my book from side 114 forward:

Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen:
Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen
| SpringerLink

Our autonomic nervous system influences thoughts and feelings

Deb Dana and Deb Grant develop a model to illustrate the connection between emotion, thoughts (Psychology) and the effect of the autonomeous nervus system (Biology). (source: The Polyvagal PlayLab: Helping Therapists Bring Polyvagal Theory to Their Clients)

Deb Dana and Deb Grant This “ladder-model“ is build on Stephen Porges “Polyvagal Theory”. The three aspects emotion, thoughts and autonomeous nerveoussystem influence each other and are dependent from each other. By understanding these dependencies, actions can be derived that calm the autonomic nervous system and enable us to develop more lighter and uplifting thoughts and emotions.

The “ladder mapping” divided our modes into three phases:

Darkness:

  1. Feelings that prevail for example: blurred, hopeless, loss of focus, numb, cold, hopeless, closed, helpless
  2. Thoughts are for example: I am… invisible, lonely, lost, unlovable and the world around me is… cold, hostile, dark
  3. From the autonomic nervous system the dorsal-vagal nervous system is active. Which leads to immobilization and freezing / stagnation. Through this the person can collapse.

Chaos

  1. Feelings predominate for example: it is out of control, overwhelming, confusing, full of anger, confronting and the desire to run away
  2. Thoughts that arise are for example: I am… different, crazy, unacceptable
  3. The autonomic nervous system is the sympathetic nervous system. This has a mobilizing effect, creating a readiness to fight and curse

Balance

  1. Feelings that prevail are for example: connected, warm-hearted, open, curious, committed, passionate, relaxed
  2. Thoughts are: I am … okay and the world around me is full of possibilities and enriching
  3. The active autonomeous nerves system is the ventral vagal part / smart vagus, which enables security and social interaction.

These three phases have parallels to the griefing / change phase according to Kübler Ross (source: change curve), There are five phases described:

  1. Shock and denial, which is paralell to the „darkness-ladder“
  2. Anger is equal to the „chaos-ladder“
  3. Bargaining is between „Chaos-“ and „Balance-ladder“
  4. Depression: Is going back to „Darkness-ladder“
  5. Acceptance: at the end is the „Balanced ladder“

Tip to overcome better the „darkness-“ and „chaos ladder“:

The SMART vagus is activated in empathic conversations, which is why psychotherapy and coaching are very powerful. Whereby personal contact with people, in reallity and not virtually, is important for the unconciousness to „co-regulate“ and create the neurozeption. Neuroception activated the SMART vagus and stop the dorsal vagus and sympathikus. This happens only optimal when conversational partner meat real (not virtual) conversation, as this was learnd from the unconciousness through evolutrion. This happens through the autonomic nervous system (unconciousness), which scans constantly the environments and registers external stimuli. A positive facial expression, a friendly smile, people who take their time and do nothing but listen, a calm and relaxed voice are necessary to bring the autonomic nervous system out of immobilization or fight or flight. Singing and deep breathing is also supportive, as it has a calming down effect.

If you find yourself on the ladder of darkness or chaos, then seek a personal conversation with a person who is sympathetic to you and accepts and respects you as an individual, this will calm your autonomic nervous system.

Historic role models: Napoleon Bonaparte role model of modern leadership?

Letting beside the cruel and interessting psychological dimension of Napoleon Bonaparte, his leadership style was astonishing modern and systemic.

In a way, he was ahead of his time.

Many of today’s leaders could learn from Napoeleon’s leadership style.

 His leadership principles were:

  1. „Never ask others what you are not prepared to do your self
  2. Be courageous
  3. Plan everything
  4. Establish clear objectives
  5. Be diplomatic
  6. Secure alliance and be loyal
  7. Search for facts and truth
  8. Intelligence is vital, set high standards
  9. Be fair, firm and flexible
  10. Maintain personal discipline
  11. Concentrate on primary objectives
  12. Stay in touch with your team
  13. Keep your promises
  14. Give credits for success
  15. Take responsibility for failure
  16. Prepair for victory and anticipate failure
  17. Be passionate, energetic enthusiastic
  18. Maintain „integrity“

Such thinking, principles and approaches can be found in the literature on leadership today.

(Source: https://scholar.valpo.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1389&c… )