Balanced life – Food for thoughts

Serenity is wisdom

This week’s quote comes from James Allen: „Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought.“

Serenity or calmness is a virtue for a reason. It is particularly difficult to be calm when you have a goal too much in mind, when you want more than you should, are allowed to do less than you could and foresee the end, which is highly likely to happen, and yet have to let it happen. Because everyone must and has the right to make their own experiences.

Serenity also means being in the moment, enjoying the seconds that we can only influence and understanding that the world does not belong to you, but that you have been given the gift of being a guest in order to grow and learn. But this also means that everyone can and should learn and grow at their own pace and on the path that they feel is right for them. Serenity means allowing this to happen and not trying to „pull the grass to make it grow faster“. Understanding that this is not possible and that every thing has and needs its time. Serenity is not factual knowledge, it comes from within and arises from our attitude, interpretation / thinking patterns and attitudes. For me, that is wisdom.

Our inner wealth

This week’s quote comes from Emil Cioran: „Our real wealth: the hours in which we have done nothing. They are what shape us, individualise us, distinguish us.“

I have discovered two possible interpretations of this quote, both of which go in a completely different direction.

The first interpretation I see is that our leisure time, which we don’t spend earning money, is crucial to how we develop. Do we just sit on the couch and let ourselves be entertained or are we active, learning a language, an instrument or going out into nature? Our experiences and adventures shape us and change us. This is how the difference in attitudes, interpretation patterns and attitudes arises. Perhaps this also has an influence on our prejudices and values, for example when we get to know other cultures and / or countries.

The second interpretation I see is that time shapes and changes us when we were simply in our thoughts, i.e. when we are doing nothing from the outside perspective. When we reflect on the day, our behaviour and, even more profoundly, our thoughts. In doing so, we become self-effective, self-aware and reconsider whether we have acted in accordance with our values and desires. We can also include our physical reactions in the reflection: How and what did I feel in the individual situations? How did my body feel? What did my body want to tell me in the situation? This reflection allows us to grow, as we can recognise and perceive a lot about ourselves. Through self-awareness, we can learn, grow and change. The main question is here what and not why, as why is seeking for quilt and is looking back. What is more future orientated and create opportunities (see research from Tasha Eurich).

My second interpretation is more of a mindfulness exercise that has been proven to help us develop. The development is different from that in my first interpretation of the quote. The above development leads to new or improved skills and abilities. The development below develops the mind and character.

Which interpretation do you choose?

Here are some links to meta-analysis of mindfulness:
– Frontiers | A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and motivation (frontiersin.org)
– A synthesis of meta-analyses of mindfulness-based interventi… : PAIN (lww.com)
– (4) (PDF) Meditation, Mindfulness, and Attention: a Meta-analysis (researchgate.net)
– (4) (PDF) Mindfulness as Attention Training: Meta-Analyses on the Links Between Attention Performance and Mindfulness Interventions, Long-Term Meditation Practice, and Trait Mindfulness (researchgate.net)

Listen to your inner voice

The quote that has accompanied me this week comes from Bettina von Armin: „Find yourself, be true to yourself, learn to understand yourself, follow your inner voice, only then can you reach the highest.“

This is certainly the path that makes us happy and content. But in all the everyday life we face, the inner voice is very quiet and often barely perceptible, if at all. At times when the hustle and bustle around us is quieter, such as after work or at the weekend, we would have time to listen to our inner voice, become aware of our values and reflect on the day or the week. But instead we distract ourselves with films, news, parties, etc. We allow ourselves to be drawn into the external and stay less in touch with our inner voice. We put off change and reassure ourselves that we can’t change it anyway. Unfortunately, this excuse is too common and too easy, so we like to use it again and again. But each of us can change more than we realise. After all, we should all have free will and use it accordingly to our values and culture in an acceptable.

One exercise is to realise what we can or cannot change. I think the following exercise based on an exercise by Kéré Sylvia Wellensiekand Kirsten Schwarz might be supportive to be more clear about your own influence in the world:

Create a 3-column table. Please change the column headings into: „changeable“ (column 2) and „unchangeable“ (column 3). The rows are labelled with „professional“ (row 2) and „private“ (row 3). Write down the topics that come to mind for each field. Concentrate on the areas that can be changed, and then think about small steps you can take to actually bring about these changes. Then check the unchangeable areas to see whether they are really outside your sphere of influence. If you are able to change parts of it, split the topic into smaller chunks. And think about the changeable pieces. Start with the first steps and plan accordingly with a time limit to reach the set aims.

Perhaps this little exercise on the subject of resilience will help you to reflect and give your inner voice more strength and volume.

Breathing is living and feeling alive.

This Sunday I found the following quote from B.K.S. Tyengar: „The mind is the king of the senses. The breath is the king of the mind.“

Considering Stephen W. Porges findings on the Polyvagal Theory, this quote is biologically verifiable. Porges found that the autonomic nervous system is co-regulated by the vagus nerve in mammals. The autonomic can be co-regulated by the SMART vagus, a part of the vagus nerve. The SMART vagus is influenced for example by facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice of the conversational partner. It can have a calming effect on the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system determines breathing and heart rate, among other things. Consciously calm and even breathing has a correspondingly calming effect on the autonomic nervous system. This also calms the heart rate. Porges refers to this as neuroception.

Relaxation techniques that influence the breath, mindfulness exercises that focus on the here and now, have a calming effect on breathing and thus on the thoughts in our head and restlessness in the body.

A simple exercise is to draw attention to the breath in order to become aware of its vital function. Life only exists through breathing. Focussing on the breath means concentrating on life and allowing the spirits of life to become conscious.

To calm the breath, the rule of thumb is to breathe out twice as long as you breathe in.

Exercise: At the beginning, count to two for inhaling and to four for exhaling. The speed of counting should be the same. After a few breaths, increase the count by one, i.e. count to three for inhaling and six for exhaling. You should notice that you become calmer, your voice becomes more relaxed and your shoulders lower.

Breathing is living and feeling alive.

What we think matters

Last week’s quote was from Andrew Carnegie. He said: „Remember, happiness does not depend on what you are or what you have, it depends on what you think.“

Andrew Carnegie was one of the richest people of his time. He certainly had few money worries and was able to occupy himself with other matters than meeting his basic needs. He was certainly respected and socialised with the most influential people of his time. He himself emigrated to the USA with his family as a child, as his father, a weaver in Scotland, had less and less to do due to industrialisation.

Carnegie got to know all kinds of personalities in his life, from ordinary people to aristocrats and high-ranking personalities. This enabled him to compare the different cultures and milieus. That’s why I find this quote so fantastic. He learnt the intrinsic value, in my interpretation, of the people who surrounded him. This led him to the conclusion that thinking, i.e. the inner processes of being, are more important than external factors such as status, rank and hierarchies.

Carnegie recognised that the only thing that counts is the inner world of the individual. Because what we think is visible in our attitude and this in turn determines our actions.

Our thoughts lead us to attract people into our lives who think similarly, as they have a similar attitude and their actions are similar. Through our thoughts, we have the power to be who we want to be and thus attract those we want to surround ourselves with.

Life goal: Reach your own inner summit

The quote of the last week from my calendar is from Edmund Hillary: „It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.“

This reminded me of many hikes and some climbing routes that I have done in the past and will probably do in the future. I like to hike, even cross-country, as long as it’s allowed. The hikes that I personally found the most enjoyable were the ones where I had to force myself to keep going. Either because my body thought it can’t take any more, even though there were only a few hundred metres to go to reach the destination, the weather conditions were extreme, such as hiking at minus 20 degrees in the Elbe Sandstone Mountains, or hikes where I overcame my fear of heights, such as the climbing trail we took to the summit in Schladming.

Each time I overcame a fear, a limit within myself, and had a wonderful feeling after I had made it. Maybe my knees were still shaking a little, or I had unspeakable sore muscles the next day, but conquering myself brought me feelings of pride, confidence and self-assurance. The belief in the sentence „I can do it if I believe in myself, want to achieve it and have (trained) the skills to do so.“ In the context of others, the following dimension of what is allowed and desired in order to reach the set goal, the mountain top, also belongs.

This corresponds to Lutz von Rosenstiel’s behavioural model. (source: Rosenstiel, L. von 1998). Wertewandel und Kooperation. In E. Spieß (Hrsg.), Formen der Kooperation. Bedingungen und Perspektiven (S. 279-294). Göttingen: Verlag für angewandte Psychologie)

The model states that behaviour is influenced by:

Individual volition, such as motivation and personal values,
Social permissions and requirements, such as the norms and rules of the context/environment in which we find ourselves
Situational facilitation, i.e. the conditions that can be conducive or inhibiting
Personal ability, which includes skills and abilities. The four factors influence each other and together form the behaviour shown.

We conquer ourselves when we consider whether we want to try something different that we haven’t tried before, acquire the missing skills, abilities, and then actually put them into practice.

It doesn’t have to be a mountain. It could be also learning to play a musical instrument and then giving a concert, trying out a new sport in a competition or climbing a mountain summit.

Good is the better perfect

In my diary this week was the following quote from John Steinbeck: „And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.“ This quote got me thinking for a longer time. What is perfect? Who decides whether someone is perfect? As we all construct the world, which means we all interpret situations according to our experiences and memories, everyone would understand something different by perfect.

For example, an apple is perfect for one person if it is flawless and green. For another, an apple is perfect if it has red cheeks and a third finds the apple perfect if it has small spots, as it is then organic and natural.

How can there be, or is there, objective perfection at all? Is it perfection when everything is organised and straightforward? Isn’t chaos, the dynamic, what we need to bring change? Perfection cannot exist, because it is subjective and certainly not dynamic and therefore enable no changes. Being perfect means standing still. As the definition of perfect lies in the eyes oft he observer, the self must adapt and change in such a way that the observer can recognise perfection. This means the price of perfection is to mirrow the expectation of others and not to be yourself.

In my opinion, the solution lies in the second part of the quote: „You can be good.“ Since it is not possible to be perfect without losing yourself, each of us can try to be our own better self. The perfect lies hidden in the imperfect within ourselves. What we can do is to give our best every day by being mindful in the moment and always trying to activate the good that lies within each of us in the here and now. We can always dare and try to be the best and good version of ourselves. This requires a lot of courage, because the authentic self is much more vulnerable than an artificial self that changes in order to meet and fulfil the demands of the other person. So that the other person can recognise the perfect self that they have defined.

We should agree that being good is better and more dynamic than being perfect and is therefore much more promising for our self and our own growth.

What is your opinion?

Accept the now as your reality

My calendar quote for this week was „Be present in everything you do, because the only reality is now.“ (Wisdom from Zen Buddhism)

I really like this quote. The past is unchangeable, the more time passes, the sooner we will re-evaluate and interpret it in a more positive way. But the facts will remain the same. The personal past is a bit paradoxical, as the older it gets, the more beautiful it seems to us.

The future lies ahead of us, it is covered by curtains. We guess what may come, but we can never be sure, if and how it will and could really happen. Maybe it’s similar to a mirage, we’re working towards something, but maybe it disappears before we reach it completely, or it remains. We have to take care of the future, but we will never live in exactly the future we had planned.

What remains is now. That’s why it’s important to take full advantage of the moment, who knows how many „now“ each of us still have and can fully enjoy.

This becomes particularly clear to you when you lie in bed with a high fever and either doze or sleep the whole day and night, in this way you will lose the sense of time. Then it blurs now and you can’t be present at all. Time is then like jelly, it drags, the now becomes sand and glides through your fingers. To be present, the now should be like clay, something with which you can be active and do something good for others and yourself.

Do you use the now like clay or more like sand?

Follow your path and listen to others and reflect

The weekly quote in my diary this week comes from Dante Alighieri: „Where the way is hardest, there go thou; Follow your own path and let people talk.“

It sounds so simple, but in my opinion it harbours many challenges.

The two challenges that I can recognise are

1. I agree to the quote in some esteem, as the other alternative is to get lost of your self. As then, you are simply not thinking about what is right, simply not forming your own opinion and disagree to the „stronger“ may make life easier. Through this behaviour, you can let your own life „ripple along“. It is then comparable to a stream that flows quietly but receives little attention. Walking your own path means giving it some thought, even bumping into things and perhaps feeling how others put their heads together when you walk past, and feeling sceptical glances. On the other hand, your own life is turbulent and more like a white-water river with bends and some unforeseen currents. Others will try to divert the river or slow it down, but the current is too strong.

2. Following your own path without considering the opinions and perhaps feelings of others. No matter how difficult the situation is, it can also make you lonely. It can also lead to self-centredness, as you only pursue yourself and your goal and turn people against you. It can also happen that you pursue your goal so much that you overlook the beauty around you or can no longer recognise the helping hands. Metaphorically speaking, the behaviour could resemble a raging waterfall. It is hardly possible for other larger life to survive in the falling water. The water rushes down indefinitely and has such a strong force that it could shatter boats on impact.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to a happy medium. We are all social beings. Finding your own path and following it, especially in difficult times, staying true to yourself is certainly important in order to be able to look yourself in the mirror day after day and also to be able to develop and grow. But walking this path in a mindful, non-judgemental and open attitude helps us to remain considerate. In this way, we can continue to see other needs without submitting or surrendering to them. In this way, we remain true to our values and will find a solution together with the people around us.

To stay with the image of the river, it is as if rivers flow together and then separate again. Every river has its own riverbed, but occasionally they cross.

I would modify the saying and add:

„Where the way is hardest, there go thou; go your own way meanwhile listen to people, when they talk about you. Reflect on what you have heard and adapt your chosen path, if it makes sense to you, without completely abandoning or giving up on your path.“

Being alive means omnipotence

The quote of the week from my calendar comes from the Emily Dickinson quote: „To be alive is power; existence in itself; without a further function; omnipotence.“

This is a fantastic quote to ponder:

Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
How am I perceived?
How do I define myself?
What is really important to me?
What will my family and friends remember?

Other thoughts might be more holistic:

Does all the status and power that people strive for, sometimes even at the expense of others, lead to a truer life?
Does such behaviour or pursuit of power create trust or a better relationship with each other?

If you agree with the last two statements, in my eyes that would reduce your life to your own perspective, which makes your life, from my experience less enriching.

It isn’t simply being in the here and now (mindfulness) even more valuable and listen to the wisdom of others? Listening with curiosity and being fully present with the other person is very enriching and usually leads to unique solutions and creates a colourful and rich live.

The listener is then there for the other person without pursuing a goal themselves, i.e. without any other purpose. Listening intensively to another person without pursuing your own goals, contributing your own ideas or contributing your own experiences and solutions is an intensely active process. It requires a lot of concentration and personal control, but it also harbours many treasures and is enormously enriching, as listening to others opens up new perspectives for you and enriches your own life.

In my opinion, having more courage to be quiet and, as far as possible, detached from one’s own thoughts about one’s own advantage would significantly improve co-operation.