Kategorie: Balanced life

Change is a challenge

My weekly calendar this week has a quote from

Percy Bysshe Shelly (*1792- Ɨ1822):

„The path of its departure still is free: Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow; Nought may endure but Mutability.“

Surely everyone knows these or similar statements, such as: „Nothing is more constant than change“. We often don’t realise how much everything around us is changing. Our day is largely made up of routines and recurring experiences. For example, many of us get up at the same time every day, start our day with coffee or tea, and so on. But it is never the same. There’s always something different, even if it’s the weather. We plan day by day and then something unforeseen happens and we might just change the daily routine a bit. We are used to all these small changes and can cope with them.

But what about big changes? Every change creates a little crisis. The processes we have learnt and used successfully in the past no longer produce the desired results or are simply no longer wanted. Change is always about stress and individual coping strategies.

Each change has a different impact on each individual. Change is and never has the same effect on an individual level.

With this sudden crisis weh ave to deal on an individual stage. Adviced are often not supportive as they are successful fort he advice giver but not for our own reality and live.

The only similarity is , that to acept and overcome change, we go all through four phases:

  1. Shock
  2. Reaction to the shock
  3. Processing with acceptance and finding solutions
  4. Reorienting ourselves and our environment

The phases are not chronological, they can occur simultaneously or they can repeat themselves, forming loops until a real solution is found.

Yes, change is the only thing that will always and everywhere be there, the question is what strategies we develop to move through the four phases successfully and effectively.

Speed is certainly not the measure for overcome change, but rather to find and follow our personal path that suits us.

Reflection: Value of things

This week, I found a quote from Moliere in my desk calendar: „Things are only worth what you make of them.“

In parallel, my son has been learning about the Incas and the Spanish conquistador.

Historical background Destruction of the Inca Empire:

The monk Victor Valverde beginning the 16th century held a cross in his left hand and a Bible in his right. He approached Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, and asked him to submit. He explained that he wanted to proclaim the one true faith to him and all his „pagan“ people. Atahualpa also learnt from this monk about the Pope in faraway Rome, as God on earth. This pope, Valverde continued, had granted the Spanish king the right to rule the Americas and the peoples who inhabited them. Atahualpa rejected this and wished to remain in his faith.

The Bible given by Valverde. As the Incas found it incomprehensible and useless, Atahualpa angrily threw the Holy Scriptures of the Europeans at the monk’s feet. The Spaniards had achieved what they had set out to do. Valverde signalled the attack by saying: „Kill the heathen dogs, these godless Indians!“

The end of the Incas came only because of a different perspective of the worth of a book. Of neutrally observed, the Bible is a bunch of written papers, in this case put together around with leather. For the Spanish it was a holy sacrament, but for the Incas it was just paper of one, who wanted to under-rule them.

It’s like a loved teddy bear. To the owner it may be the most precious thing in the world, but to an outsider it’s just cloth and wool.

Value is only a matter of perspective, so we should be open to the perspectives of others.

What do you think?

Value of emptiness

Imagine that all the cups in your cupboard are already full. Each cup represents a specific drink. Whenever you take out the long, red cup, it contains grape juice. The long, red cup is conditioned with the taste of grape juice.

Imagine the same experience happening from year to year. One day, someone mixes in grapefruit juice. Do you think you would be able to taste it?

If you believe the conditioning, this will not happen. You will taste grape juice again and not the mixture of grape- and grapefruit juice. It will be the same as always. Your brain will not notice the slight difference.

Something similar happens to people. They always seem to be the same. What is forgotten is that every person develops, learns, begins to think and act regarding to different perspectives, and forgets others behaviours or thoughts. If we are allowed to accompany a person for a longer period, we notice the changes less. If we don’t see this person for a long time and meet the person again, we expect to meet the same person as we know from „before“. We look for behaviours that are very familiar to us to confirm that it is still the same as „before“. We overlook the grapefruit note, as the person may have aged but is not the same.

To recognize the grapefruit, mindfulness is a good solution. This means just being in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.

According to Bruce Lee: “ In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is so useful? Because it is empty.“ (Bruce Lee, John Little: Bruce Lee´s Striking Thoughts, Wisdom for daily living; Publisher Tuttle; 20002, s. 30)

In this way you also have the freedom to pour wine into the cup. This enriches your experience and the joy of diversity.

New Year: Focus on personal, character development

The new year is in the starting blocks and awaits us with many surprises and changes in our lives.

This is the time of the year when new goals are set, which are usually out of the question after a few weeks. This may be why younger people are more likely to make New Year’s resolutions. Statistically, 31% of 18-24 year olds set goals and resolutions for the New Year. 80% of the over 55s do not set any new goals or resolutions for the New Year. (Statista)

One reason for this may be that they have learned that New Year’s resolutions are often not stable and do not last in everyday life.

Instead of setting resolutions or goals, use New Year’s Day to reflect on what went really well in the past year and where you are in the present. What have you learnt? What was good this year?

Even if 2023 had some bad surprises in store for you, it also had good aspects to discover and focus on. We can all be grateful that we can end this year by focusing on the present and our own personal development. Instead of thinking about new resolutions, think about your behaviour and remember the times in the year that is drawing to a close, when you had the opportunity to learn and process your learning areas in order to become aware of your own development path. I am not referring to your professional development, but to your personal, character development.

For example, I learned that my family gives me strength and helps me to be resilient. I have been able to see for myself the impact of micro-politics and the importance of networks and real personal interactions. I am grateful to Springer Gabler for publishing my book. In this book, I was able to contribute my knowledge, which has helped and support me to develop myself further. What have you learnt, and what are you grateful for?

Self-reflection is not only important at the end of the year

In many cultures, we are used to reflecting on the past year and making promises to ourselves for the coming year. This is something we often do too little of in our everyday lives. Without regular, everyday reflection, it is difficult to learn and change behaviours that are needed for the now and are not based on past success.

The lack of reflection can be caused by the following:
– Daily stress
– Fear of discovering blind spots or letting the repressed come alive
– Sudden circumstances that intervene
– Inability to be honest

Our interpretation is unique because we construct it based on past experiences. Therefore, the following reflection questions can help us learn from observation:

  1. What were the three most important moments/situations in the conversation that just took place?
  2. Which reactions of the dialogue partner were surprising and were not addressed? What triggered this behaviour/reaction?
  3. What would have been an even more successful course of the conversation?
  4. What behaviour would have made the conversation even more successful? How can I get there next time?

In order to actually be able to answer these reflection questions, it makes the most sense to do this directly after the interview. Reflection cannot be done on the side, but it is important to stop and think. Only when you stop and reflect on what has happened can you understand and change your interpretation of the situation. Because our interpretation causes our feelings, and our feelings lead to our actions and beliefs. If reflection is postponed until later, the nuances of the conversation are weakened by your own construct.

Make reflecting on your behaviour and conversation to your routine, and don’t just limit it to the turn of the year.

If you want to read more, see my book side 274 following: S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

Listening and silence are crucial for our conversation

We all assume that we are great listeners. Are we really one? No-one can prove it at the end, as the interpretation and assumptions of what was heard are maily not equal with the interpretation and assumptions of the speaker. To reduce this gap as much as posible, try the method ATTENTIVE listening.

ATTENTIVE listening:

  • Accept that multitasking is not possible, focus on listening only and follow the conversational flow.
  • Teaching and instructing do not go well with attentive listening, they belong in schools and courtrooms.
  • To ask questions as openly as possible is crucial, but don´t over prepare the conversation through question list. Questions are normally coming naturally.
  • Even repetition, paraphrasing and duplications should be avoided.
  • Not knowing and admitting it helps the conversation flow.
  • To the point and short should be your own statements.
  • Individual are our emotions which means they are free from any comparison and judgement and none of us would have in the same situation same emotions.
  • Very important is, that reproduction of rumors, word of mouth or hearsay does not belong to attentive listening.
  • Empathy and equality is the basis of a successful attentive conversation.

Are you curious to read more about the importancy of good listening skills, read my bock chapter „4.3 Zuhören und Stille ermöglichen, bewusst zu denken” reference page 143 following.

Self-critism and / or self-awarness?

Self-knowledge has a long history and is mentioned in Sanskrit „This is you“ and in the Temple of Delphi „Know thyself“. In psychology, it is the introspective analysis of one’s own thought patterns, interpretations, and character in order to find answers: What am I like? Who am I? It is about understanding the reasons for one’s behaviour and actions to be able to change them. (source: Selbsterkenntnis – Lexikon der Psychologie (spektrum.de))

Self-criticism is looking critically at oneself and finding misbehaviour or shortcomings in oneself. The core question of self-criticism is: „Why did this happen? Why did I make this mistake?“ If a person names the shortcomings themselves, they will be more motivated to change them than if they are criticised by someone else. (source: Selbstkritik – Lexikon der Psychologie (spektrum.de))

In this way, self-criticism is needed to build self-awareness, but it is limited because it focuses on a person’s shortcomings rather than their strengths. Self-awareness is a balanced approach that considers both the strengths and the weaknesses of the self. This has a more positive impact on the self than focusing solely on failures and areas for development, and has an impact on a person’s performance. The Gallup Institute suggests that focusing on strengths leads to six times greater emotional engagement in one’s work, employees are six times more likely to do what they do best every day, three times more likely to feel that their quality of life is excellent, and 8-18% higher performance, which increases turnover by 10-19% and profits by 14-29%. (source: Learn About the Science of CliftonStrengths | EN – Gallup))

To create an environment of self-awareness rather than self-criticism, Tasha Eurich´s tip might be useful. Ask yourself and others questions that start with What…. rather than Why… . The why always looks backwards and seeks out the „culprit“. What looks forward and tries to find solutions. This allows for real reflection on what has happened.

Give more weight to the What in your everyday communication.

Define your value / worth in life

We often give more power to others to decide what value we have. In my eyes this should be different. I think it should always start with allowing ourselves to recognise and internalise our own value.

We tend to accept that our value is defined by the opinions of others, by our salary or by our status symbols. We rarely reflect on the skills we possess and who we are in terms of character. What value would we place on ourselves?

In my opinion, we must first value ourselves from within and define how we see our own worth, not measure our own worth through the eyes of others who can only judge from their own beliefs and value us by comparing us to what they are doing. Appreciation that comes from the outside has to be seen in the context of the situation. As an extreme example to illustrate my thoughts, surely the value that a mafia boss would define would be opposite to a clergyman on some issues.

When we begin to value ourselves, we will be able to value others in a non-judgmental way. If we begin to value ourselves, we will be more patient with others and less competitive, because we will have little or no need for the appreciation and recognition of others.

Our own appreciation and esteem for ourselves should be enough and weigh more than that of others.

I found this story, with thanks to Nadja Sandmann for posting the German version, which illustrates these thoughts very well: https://youtu.be/tb5iRxXahyI

Positive psychology: Importance of meaning

Barbara Frederickson is well known as the pioneer for positive psychology in research explains with her colloquies in her latest article “Positive psychology in a pandemic: buffering, bolstering, and building mental health” which abilities helps us to stay positive even during the pandemic.

In the next articles I will summarize the key points of the recent publication of “The Journal of Positive Psychology”.

 Meaning:

To have meaning in life means, to see sense of your live and the world around you. When you see your live as having inherent value and that is worth to live. Therefore, you need to have the three elements, which are:

  1. coherence,
  2. significance
  3. purpose

 

Meaning is a foundational component of wellbeing like many studies show.

People who found their meaning in life:

  • are happier,
  • express more frequent and strong positive emotions,
  • endorse and use their character strengths more,
  • have more satisfying relationships
  • are viewed as more desirable potential friends,
  • help others more,
  • feel better subjective health,
  • report fewer health symptoms,
  • have better functioning immune systems,
  • lower levels of inflammatory cytokines,
  • engage in less risky sexual and substance behaviors,
  • show slower advancement of cognitive decline
  • Alzheimer’s disease,
  • live longer

(for reviews, see Cohen et al., 2016; Roepke et al., 2014; Steger, 2012)

 

Meaning plays an important role in

  1. coping with stress,
  2. trauma, and adversity,
  3. including greater use of effective coping strategies, such as using cognitive reappraisal of stressors and
  4. avoiding emotional suppression.

 

Meaning has both buffering against pessimism and building effects for Optimism.

Positive Psychology Part: Did you know that coping strategies could lower your stress level?

Stress is defined by Lazarus and Folkman (1984) as the internal or external demands appraised as taxing or exceeding the resources of the individual.

 Studies shows that positive psychology can help you to increase the experience of positive cognition (e.g., positive reappraisal) and positive emotions (e.g., gratitude)

hold significant promise for helping people bolster their mental health.

 These have demonstrated effects on a number of indicators of psychological well being such as:

  • positive affect
  • meaning and purpose
  • depression.

Study results suggest that positive psychology interventions have much to offer to help everyone cope better with both day-to-day stress as well as more major stressors.

 If you ask yourself: Which positive psychology intervention are possible to integrate them into my daily business?

Here are some examples you could use with each other in your daily communication:

  • noticing positive events,
  • savoring,
  • gratitude,
  • mindful awareness,
  • positive reappraisal,
  • personal strengths,
  • acts of kindness,
  • self-compassion
  • appreciation and recognition

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Ghandi