Balanced life – Seite 5 – Food for thoughts

Your thoughts influence your happiness

The quote for today’s article comes from Mary Shelley: Live, be happy, and make others happy.

Barbara Frederickson is a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina. In her book „The Power of Good Feelings“, she lists six facts about having a positive attitude. (Die Macht der guten Gefühle: Wie eine positive Haltung Ihr Leben dauerhaft verändert von Barbara Frederickson; Campus-Verlag, page 21-25)

A good feeling arises from a positive attitude
Thinking is changed by a positive attitude because it changes the perspective on situations
Your own future is changed by a positive attitude. A positive attitude improves sleep, reactions become more sensitive, one’s own perspective is more optimistic and one becomes more resilient, and relationships with family, friends and colleagues improve and intensify.
A positive attitude can regulate negative situations, for example, a person with a positive attitude will experience a lower rise in blood pressure in a negative situation. This does not mean seeing everything in a positive light, but rather finding solutions more quickly, as there is no need to get caught up in negative emotions.
The law of tipping points is the basis of a positive attitude. Small factors often determine the direction in which we interpret a situation. People with a positive basic attitude value and see positive elements in their lives more than people with a negative basic attitude. They see the sunrise, the first flowers in the morning, the smile of the person opposite, the pleasant weather, etc. As a result, all other situations are interpreted and evaluated differently.
You understand that your feelings are influenced by your thoughts. Your positive attitude can increase accordingly. Realising the full potential of your life is ultimately within your own power. This includes an internal locus of control and a strong growth mindset.

If you look at the factors for a positive basic attitude, it is easier to make others happy if you have a positive basic attitude yourself. By making others happy, you become happy yourself, because with a positive attitude you are sensitive enough to recognise this. Happiness, like smiling, is contagious and leads to a freer and more relaxed life, as well as actually influencing your future positively.

Life is like handling with roses

The quote for this article comes from Arabia: „Do not be angry that the rose bush bears thorns, but rejoice that the rose bush bears roses.“

Looking for the positive no matter what is happening is certainly helpful to avoid falling into a hole and spiralling downwards. However, constant positivity can be just as toxic. The consequences of positive toxicity are:

A false sense of security is created
Negative emotions, which are just as important as positive emotions as they can warn of danger, accelerate reactions and thus contribute to protection, are suppressed and minimised.
False hope and belief arise when you only want to see the positive, which can slow you down or make you unable to act.
Positive statements can make the other person feel even worse
Order is feigned, even though countermeasures are necessary

Positive toxicity can make you „blind“ to the essentials and fields of action that you can only recognise if you look.

It’s like a rose bush. When I cut roses to put them in a vase, I have a close look at the stem of the rose and remove the thorns first. That way I prevent any further consequences, namely pricking myself. Then I place it in the vase and enjoy the fragrance and the splendour of the flowers. Like this, we have to see and observe the negativity which happens in our lives. Then we have to think how we can get over this hurdle in our live. After and while we follow our path through the storm, we focus on the chance the hurdle we bring us and see the positive part of the moment (mindfulness).

Just like roses, life includes injuries and negative emotions that arise from thorns, but also seeing the beauty and opportunities of life, just like the blossom on the rose. Life has these two sides, and both negative and positive have their justification. Life is colourful. If we were only positive, we would certainly become accustomed to it at some point and no longer notice it. Let’s enjoy the shades and put both the positive and negative sides into perspective.

Moving out of comfort zone is admirable

The quote for today’s article comes from Seneca: „He who attempts great things is admirable, even if he falls.“

I can only agree with this quote. For several reasons, in my opinion:

You can learn from every venture, even if the goal you set at the beginning was not achieved
Your wealth of experience has grown
If you take the time to reflect, you can overcome the hurdles better next time
Your decisions become more stable as you can better recognise a possible case
Your own resilience increases, and you learn to deal with adversity more calmly
Your own self-confidence and self-awareness increases when you reflect on what has happened
You learn that stepping out of your comfort zone is enriching

Leaving the comfort zone is not easy at all.

The comfort zone is derived from the Yerkes-Dodson law (after Robert Yerkes and John D. Dodson, 1908) and was taken up by the psychiatrist Judith Bardwick.

The comfort zones consist of four areas.

In the comfort zone we feel safe and it is controllable
The next zone is the fear zone. In this zone, we look for excuses, seek counter-arguments or don’t trust ourselves due to low self-confidence.
Then comes the learning zone. This is where we acquire knowledge, face challenges, change our mindset and tackle problems
The last stage is the growth zone. Once you reach this zone, you find your purpose, live your dreams, set yourself goals, follow your own opinion/path and you will be even happier. In this zone, you need a growth mindset and usually have an internal locus of control.

Moving out of the comfort zone means courage on one side and more happiness and less fear on the other side.

How are you deciding?

Balance socialisation with individualisation

Today’s quote comes from Simone de Beauvoir: „Happiness consists in living like the whole world and yet being like no one else.“

The quote got me thinking. Does happiness really consist of being like the rest of the world? How can you still be unique then?

In the end, I came to the conclusion that there is a lot of truth in it. It’s easier to live like everyone else and in a way we have to, otherwise we can’t really get anywhere. Social life depends on being similar to the general public. There are certain rules, norms and values that we all have to adhere to so that social coexistence is possible. This can apply to a country as well as to smaller organisations, groups of friends or families.

Without similar values, mindsets and attitudes, actions and behaviours could diverge to such an extent that misunderstandings arise and ultimately work against each other, which would reduce recognition and appreciation. A common basis for behaviour and actions leads to a focus of energy and greater success.

Within these limits, however, it makes sense to live out one’s own individuality in order to feel satisfaction and happiness. This reminds me of Martin Seligman’s PERMA model. Martin Seligman researched why some people feel happier and more satisfied than others. He found that perceived happiness depends on five factors.

These have been summarised in the acronym PERMA and mean

P = Positive emotions

E = Engagement

R = Relationship

M = Meaning (Sense)

A = Accomplishment

Positive emotions arise when you can live out your personality and concentrate on the positive things. You can discover something positive every day, be it a small blossom or a carefree smile on a child’s face. Engaged action is binding and can be done in your own individual way. Good relationships with others arise when you are similar and yet uniquely individual. Discovering meaning in an action can only happen if you derive the meaning yourself and find it in your own individual way. Seeing success as accomplishment, recognising your own contribution to success, is the final aspect of feeling happiness and satisfaction.

Standing still and reflecting, brings us forward

The quote of the week comes from Friedrich Nietzsche and reads: ‘You have run too fast for your happiness. Now that you are getting tired and walking slowly, it is catching up with you.’

For me, it’s a quote that gives me hope. Ultimately, life is not straightforward, there are downs and ups, as well as stagnation and life in the fast lane.

What’s interesting is that when we ride a rollercoaster, it’s the downhill rides that are exciting and cause the tingling in our stomachs. The uphill rides are more the full excitement and anticipation of the downhill ride. Only when we stand still, we perceive the environment and the marvellous things in the world. If we are travelling at high speed, we can hardly see anything that is happening around us, we even get tunnel vision. Perhaps this is precisely why we fear the downhills in life, as we then develop tunnel vision and focus on our fate. Instead of realising that the downturns, i.e. the times when we were too fast for our happiness, make us rethink our lives and reorganise and realign ourselves and our lives. In this way, we can grow and develop a new self.

Nietzsche also says that although happiness has left us, we often continue to run in the direction we believe to be the lucky one. When we get tired and slow down, we realise that we have lost our way and are running after something that we cannot achieve.

Standing still is important, perhaps even more important than movement. Because growth is only possible at a standstill. Growth and change can only come about through reflection and stillness. Living beings grow little by little, and you only notice the difference from a distance. If you have the feeling that you have run out of luck, this could be a decisive phase in which growth and reorientation can occur. If this happens, happiness will come back to you because you have adapted to the new situation.

Patience is the source of development

The quote of the week is a piece of wisdom from Japan that says: ‘Not losing patience, even when it seems impossible, is patience.’

Patience is such a challenging topic. It sounds simple, but it is not for Western cultures. We have learnt to take life into our own hands, to be self-determined and to act instead of waiting. Patience is the opposite. It simply means letting things happen and waiting to see how things develop.

We need patience in every situation with living beings. One example. My oleander had so many scale insects on its leaves last year. I thought I could only throw them away. But then I gave the oleander another chance. I rinsed the roots completely and planted it in new soil. The oleander then shed almost all its leaves and was just a collection of stems with a few leaves. I gave it the whole summer and didn’t throw it away. In fact, after many weeks, leaves started to form again, and it looked healthier than ever.

We have to be patient, especially when changing our behaviour. We often think we can do things better than others. Often we have already a finalised version in mind and think that our solution is the only true and effective one. Trusting a colleague that their solution is perhaps even better or at least just as good as our own requires patience. Having patience to explain the facts, being patient until the colleague has achieved a result. The way in this case is to be open to what has been created, despite the final image in your head, and to look at the result with curiosity.

For me, patience also means realising that not everything is in your own hands and knowing that it takes time for things and living beings to develop.

‘The grass doesn’t grow faster if you pull on it.’ (African proverb)

Holding anger only harms the angry person

The quote of the week comes from Buddha: ‘Holding on to anger is like picking up a red-hot coal to throw at someone.’

Our anger is an important driving force of change. It prepares the body to defend itself and fight back. Anger is intended to protect us from a perceived attack and activates the autonomic nervous system accordingly. As soon as the nervous system is activated, we can no longer think clearly, we can no longer fully develop our creativity and compassion, as the social engagement system can no longer work when the autonomic nervous system is activated. (Polyvagal Theory of Stephen W. Porges)

By holding on to anger, we harm ourselves more than the person who triggered the anger in us. Anger also makes us age faster and changes our facial features. We appear haggard, disappointed and embittered.

The person who provoked our anger has long since forgotten the incident. We harm ourselves, when we hold on to anger. Like the glowing coal we hold in the own hand. The person holding the coal burns themselves. If you throw it at the person who has annoyed you, the coal cools down on the throwing path and only reaches the recipient when it has cooled down, if at all it will reach the person.

Holding on to anger and waiting for the opportunity for revenge only harms the one who has anger and not the one who receives the revenge. The time of anger is disproportionate to the time of revenge.

The side effects of anger, such as premature ageing, loss of creativity and hardening, are much more serious than waiting for an opportunity to repay it, which may never come.

Anger has its justification. You decide whether you want to get involved or let the anger fade away.

Mistakes have the potential for greater

The quote of the week comes from James Joyce: ‘Mistakes are the gateway to new discoveries.’

This quote is wonderful. Recognising mistakes as learning opportunities is something we all know. It is certainly one of the most frequently used quotes in education. The quote is a simplified form of John Wooden’s

‘Mistakes are only mistakes if you learn nothing from them.’

There is much more to James Joyce’s quote. He says in his quote, in my opinion, that there are new discoveries in mistakes. Some inventions have come about because of mistakes, including the rubber in car tyres, dynamite, Teflon, self-adhesive notes, vaccinations, pacemakers, Viagra, etc. (15 Erfindungen, die nur dank Fehlern gemacht wurden | Beobachter)

Mistakes therefore have great potential to result in something extraordinary.

It is therefore necessary to see mistakes as an opportunity and not as something negative. Everything has its positive and negative side, it depends on your perspective and your own attitude. So it is with mistakes.

Mistakes can hide treasures, you just need an alert and open eye.

When have you made a mistake that was more of an opportunity?

What is your belief?

The quote of the week comes from the Bhagavad Gita: „All actions, all works, all karma belong to nature, not to the divine. It is man who determines his earthly fate. People seal their fate themselves.“

These quote reminds me on „locus of control“ according to J.B. Rotter. A distinction is made between two control beliefs.

One is the internal locus of control, which is based on a high level of self-efficacy. The above quote refers to this locus of control belief.

The other is the external locus of control, which is based on low self-efficacy. People with an internal locus of control assume that they can influence events and are responsible for how something develops. People with external locus of control assume that they are controlled by higher powers, fate or given circumstances.

Control beliefs are formed through experiences and social circumstances, which then become entrenched and lead to fixed assumptions and attitudes. This changes behaviour and the experience of situations, as every situation is evaluated and interpreted by one’s own unconscious control beliefs.

Typical characteristics are as follows

Internal locus of control:

Takes responsibility for own actions
Is less influenced by other opinions
Work hard to achieve their goals or visions
Feels able to face challenges with confidence
Feels independent and happier

External locus of control:

Holds outsiders / powers responsible for own circumstances / experiences
Success is attributed to luck or an external change
Do not believe they can change their own situation through effort
Feels hopeless or powerless when faced with difficult situations
Tends to learnt helplessness

To find out for yourself which control belief you tend to belong to, this test can give you a little clue: Locus of Control (studylib.net )

With you starts the better world

The quote of the week that inspired me this time is: “We cannot change this world until individuals change.” (Marie Curie)

Marie Curie lived from 1867 to 1934. She was the only woman to be awarded the Nobel Prize several times. She works manly in natural science. Some of these fields were and still are male-dominated.

Marie Curie changed the world in her own way, because she did not succumb to the stigmas that were and sometimes still are attributed to women. Marie Curie dared to question the prejudices and pigeonholing of others and devoted herself to her urge and desire to research, single-mindedly without allowing herself to be dissuaded. In my eyes, she is a pioneer in showing that change at an individual level can have a big impact and make a difference.

What does that mean for the individual? It doesn’t have to be the Nobel Prize or being the first to do something. In my opinion, it’s small things like asking yourself:

What stereotypes, prejudices and premature assumptions do I consciously or unconsciously make about individuals?

How can I manage to be more neutral towards the person I am dealing with?
What do I need to keep being curious about what I can learn from the person I am talking to?
How can I talk to the person even better?
How can I take a step back with my wisdom and understand that my answers only apply to myself?
How can I meet someone at eye level?
How do I manage to take a step back with my wisdom and understand that my answers only apply to myself?
How can I meet someone at eye level, regardless of their status or education?

To know that we are all worth the same and that we are simply human and allowed to be human.