Kategorie: Balanced life

Good is the better perfect

In my diary this week was the following quote from John Steinbeck: „And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.“ This quote got me thinking for a longer time. What is perfect? Who decides whether someone is perfect? As we all construct the world, which means we all interpret situations according to our experiences and memories, everyone would understand something different by perfect.

For example, an apple is perfect for one person if it is flawless and green. For another, an apple is perfect if it has red cheeks and a third finds the apple perfect if it has small spots, as it is then organic and natural.

How can there be, or is there, objective perfection at all? Is it perfection when everything is organised and straightforward? Isn’t chaos, the dynamic, what we need to bring change? Perfection cannot exist, because it is subjective and certainly not dynamic and therefore enable no changes. Being perfect means standing still. As the definition of perfect lies in the eyes oft he observer, the self must adapt and change in such a way that the observer can recognise perfection. This means the price of perfection is to mirrow the expectation of others and not to be yourself.

In my opinion, the solution lies in the second part of the quote: „You can be good.“ Since it is not possible to be perfect without losing yourself, each of us can try to be our own better self. The perfect lies hidden in the imperfect within ourselves. What we can do is to give our best every day by being mindful in the moment and always trying to activate the good that lies within each of us in the here and now. We can always dare and try to be the best and good version of ourselves. This requires a lot of courage, because the authentic self is much more vulnerable than an artificial self that changes in order to meet and fulfil the demands of the other person. So that the other person can recognise the perfect self that they have defined.

We should agree that being good is better and more dynamic than being perfect and is therefore much more promising for our self and our own growth.

What is your opinion?

Accept the now as your reality

My calendar quote for this week was „Be present in everything you do, because the only reality is now.“ (Wisdom from Zen Buddhism)

I really like this quote. The past is unchangeable, the more time passes, the sooner we will re-evaluate and interpret it in a more positive way. But the facts will remain the same. The personal past is a bit paradoxical, as the older it gets, the more beautiful it seems to us.

The future lies ahead of us, it is covered by curtains. We guess what may come, but we can never be sure, if and how it will and could really happen. Maybe it’s similar to a mirage, we’re working towards something, but maybe it disappears before we reach it completely, or it remains. We have to take care of the future, but we will never live in exactly the future we had planned.

What remains is now. That’s why it’s important to take full advantage of the moment, who knows how many „now“ each of us still have and can fully enjoy.

This becomes particularly clear to you when you lie in bed with a high fever and either doze or sleep the whole day and night, in this way you will lose the sense of time. Then it blurs now and you can’t be present at all. Time is then like jelly, it drags, the now becomes sand and glides through your fingers. To be present, the now should be like clay, something with which you can be active and do something good for others and yourself.

Do you use the now like clay or more like sand?

Follow your path and listen to others and reflect

The weekly quote in my diary this week comes from Dante Alighieri: „Where the way is hardest, there go thou; Follow your own path and let people talk.“

It sounds so simple, but in my opinion it harbours many challenges.

The two challenges that I can recognise are

1. I agree to the quote in some esteem, as the other alternative is to get lost of your self. As then, you are simply not thinking about what is right, simply not forming your own opinion and disagree to the „stronger“ may make life easier. Through this behaviour, you can let your own life „ripple along“. It is then comparable to a stream that flows quietly but receives little attention. Walking your own path means giving it some thought, even bumping into things and perhaps feeling how others put their heads together when you walk past, and feeling sceptical glances. On the other hand, your own life is turbulent and more like a white-water river with bends and some unforeseen currents. Others will try to divert the river or slow it down, but the current is too strong.

2. Following your own path without considering the opinions and perhaps feelings of others. No matter how difficult the situation is, it can also make you lonely. It can also lead to self-centredness, as you only pursue yourself and your goal and turn people against you. It can also happen that you pursue your goal so much that you overlook the beauty around you or can no longer recognise the helping hands. Metaphorically speaking, the behaviour could resemble a raging waterfall. It is hardly possible for other larger life to survive in the falling water. The water rushes down indefinitely and has such a strong force that it could shatter boats on impact.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to a happy medium. We are all social beings. Finding your own path and following it, especially in difficult times, staying true to yourself is certainly important in order to be able to look yourself in the mirror day after day and also to be able to develop and grow. But walking this path in a mindful, non-judgemental and open attitude helps us to remain considerate. In this way, we can continue to see other needs without submitting or surrendering to them. In this way, we remain true to our values and will find a solution together with the people around us.

To stay with the image of the river, it is as if rivers flow together and then separate again. Every river has its own riverbed, but occasionally they cross.

I would modify the saying and add:

„Where the way is hardest, there go thou; go your own way meanwhile listen to people, when they talk about you. Reflect on what you have heard and adapt your chosen path, if it makes sense to you, without completely abandoning or giving up on your path.“

Being alive means omnipotence

The quote of the week from my calendar comes from the Emily Dickinson quote: „To be alive is power; existence in itself; without a further function; omnipotence.“

This is a fantastic quote to ponder:

  • Who am I?

  • Who do I want to be?

  • How am I perceived?

  • How do I define myself?

  • What is really important to me?

  • What will my family and friends remember?

Other thoughts might be more holistic:

  • Does all the status and power that people strive for, sometimes even at the expense of others, lead to a truer life?

  • Does such behaviour or pursuit of power create trust or a better relationship with each other?

If you agree with the last two statements, in my eyes that would reduce your life to your own perspective, which makes your life, from my experience less enriching.

It isn’t simply being in the here and now (mindfulness) even more valuable and listen to the wisdom of others? Listening with curiosity and being fully present with the other person is very enriching and usually leads to unique solutions and creates a colourful and rich live.

The listener is then there for the other person without pursuing a goal themselves, i.e. without any other purpose. Listening intensively to another person without pursuing your own goals, contributing your own ideas or contributing your own experiences and solutions is an intensely active process. It requires a lot of concentration and personal control, but it also harbours many treasures and is enormously enriching, as listening to others opens up new perspectives for you and enriches your own life.

In my opinion, having more courage to be quiet and, as far as possible, detached from one’s own thoughts about one’s own advantage would significantly improve co-operation.

Change is a challenge

My weekly calendar this week has a quote from

Percy Bysshe Shelly (*1792- Ɨ1822):

„The path of its departure still is free: Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow; Nought may endure but Mutability.“

Surely everyone knows these or similar statements, such as: „Nothing is more constant than change“. We often don’t realise how much everything around us is changing. Our day is largely made up of routines and recurring experiences. For example, many of us get up at the same time every day, start our day with coffee or tea, and so on. But it is never the same. There’s always something different, even if it’s the weather. We plan day by day and then something unforeseen happens and we might just change the daily routine a bit. We are used to all these small changes and can cope with them.

But what about big changes? Every change creates a little crisis. The processes we have learnt and used successfully in the past no longer produce the desired results or are simply no longer wanted. Change is always about stress and individual coping strategies.

Each change has a different impact on each individual. Change is and never has the same effect on an individual level.

With this sudden crisis weh ave to deal on an individual stage. Adviced are often not supportive as they are successful fort he advice giver but not for our own reality and live.

The only similarity is , that to acept and overcome change, we go all through four phases:

  1. Shock
  2. Reaction to the shock
  3. Processing with acceptance and finding solutions
  4. Reorienting ourselves and our environment

The phases are not chronological, they can occur simultaneously or they can repeat themselves, forming loops until a real solution is found.

Yes, change is the only thing that will always and everywhere be there, the question is what strategies we develop to move through the four phases successfully and effectively.

Speed is certainly not the measure for overcome change, but rather to find and follow our personal path that suits us.

Reflection: Value of things

This week, I found a quote from Moliere in my desk calendar: „Things are only worth what you make of them.“

In parallel, my son has been learning about the Incas and the Spanish conquistador.

Historical background Destruction of the Inca Empire:

The monk Victor Valverde beginning the 16th century held a cross in his left hand and a Bible in his right. He approached Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, and asked him to submit. He explained that he wanted to proclaim the one true faith to him and all his „pagan“ people. Atahualpa also learnt from this monk about the Pope in faraway Rome, as God on earth. This pope, Valverde continued, had granted the Spanish king the right to rule the Americas and the peoples who inhabited them. Atahualpa rejected this and wished to remain in his faith.

The Bible given by Valverde. As the Incas found it incomprehensible and useless, Atahualpa angrily threw the Holy Scriptures of the Europeans at the monk’s feet. The Spaniards had achieved what they had set out to do. Valverde signalled the attack by saying: „Kill the heathen dogs, these godless Indians!“

The end of the Incas came only because of a different perspective of the worth of a book. Of neutrally observed, the Bible is a bunch of written papers, in this case put together around with leather. For the Spanish it was a holy sacrament, but for the Incas it was just paper of one, who wanted to under-rule them.

It’s like a loved teddy bear. To the owner it may be the most precious thing in the world, but to an outsider it’s just cloth and wool.

Value is only a matter of perspective, so we should be open to the perspectives of others.

What do you think?

Value of emptiness

Imagine that all the cups in your cupboard are already full. Each cup represents a specific drink. Whenever you take out the long, red cup, it contains grape juice. The long, red cup is conditioned with the taste of grape juice.

Imagine the same experience happening from year to year. One day, someone mixes in grapefruit juice. Do you think you would be able to taste it?

If you believe the conditioning, this will not happen. You will taste grape juice again and not the mixture of grape- and grapefruit juice. It will be the same as always. Your brain will not notice the slight difference.

Something similar happens to people. They always seem to be the same. What is forgotten is that every person develops, learns, begins to think and act regarding to different perspectives, and forgets others behaviours or thoughts. If we are allowed to accompany a person for a longer period, we notice the changes less. If we don’t see this person for a long time and meet the person again, we expect to meet the same person as we know from „before“. We look for behaviours that are very familiar to us to confirm that it is still the same as „before“. We overlook the grapefruit note, as the person may have aged but is not the same.

To recognize the grapefruit, mindfulness is a good solution. This means just being in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.

According to Bruce Lee: “ In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup. My friend, drop all of your preconceived fixed ideas and be neutral. Do you know why this cup is so useful? Because it is empty.“ (Bruce Lee, John Little: Bruce Lee´s Striking Thoughts, Wisdom for daily living; Publisher Tuttle; 20002, s. 30)

In this way you also have the freedom to pour wine into the cup. This enriches your experience and the joy of diversity.

New Year: Focus on personal, character development

The new year is in the starting blocks and awaits us with many surprises and changes in our lives.

This is the time of the year when new goals are set, which are usually out of the question after a few weeks. This may be why younger people are more likely to make New Year’s resolutions. Statistically, 31% of 18-24 year olds set goals and resolutions for the New Year. 80% of the over 55s do not set any new goals or resolutions for the New Year. (Statista)

One reason for this may be that they have learned that New Year’s resolutions are often not stable and do not last in everyday life.

Instead of setting resolutions or goals, use New Year’s Day to reflect on what went really well in the past year and where you are in the present. What have you learnt? What was good this year?

Even if 2023 had some bad surprises in store for you, it also had good aspects to discover and focus on. We can all be grateful that we can end this year by focusing on the present and our own personal development. Instead of thinking about new resolutions, think about your behaviour and remember the times in the year that is drawing to a close, when you had the opportunity to learn and process your learning areas in order to become aware of your own development path. I am not referring to your professional development, but to your personal, character development.

For example, I learned that my family gives me strength and helps me to be resilient. I have been able to see for myself the impact of micro-politics and the importance of networks and real personal interactions. I am grateful to Springer Gabler for publishing my book. In this book, I was able to contribute my knowledge, which has helped and support me to develop myself further. What have you learnt, and what are you grateful for?

Self-reflection is not only important at the end of the year

In many cultures, we are used to reflecting on the past year and making promises to ourselves for the coming year. This is something we often do too little of in our everyday lives. Without regular, everyday reflection, it is difficult to learn and change behaviours that are needed for the now and are not based on past success.

The lack of reflection can be caused by the following:
– Daily stress
– Fear of discovering blind spots or letting the repressed come alive
– Sudden circumstances that intervene
– Inability to be honest

Our interpretation is unique because we construct it based on past experiences. Therefore, the following reflection questions can help us learn from observation:

  1. What were the three most important moments/situations in the conversation that just took place?
  2. Which reactions of the dialogue partner were surprising and were not addressed? What triggered this behaviour/reaction?
  3. What would have been an even more successful course of the conversation?
  4. What behaviour would have made the conversation even more successful? How can I get there next time?

In order to actually be able to answer these reflection questions, it makes the most sense to do this directly after the interview. Reflection cannot be done on the side, but it is important to stop and think. Only when you stop and reflect on what has happened can you understand and change your interpretation of the situation. Because our interpretation causes our feelings, and our feelings lead to our actions and beliefs. If reflection is postponed until later, the nuances of the conversation are weakened by your own construct.

Make reflecting on your behaviour and conversation to your routine, and don’t just limit it to the turn of the year.

If you want to read more, see my book side 274 following: S.Voss Erfolgreich Gespräche im Berufsalltag führen Der Einfluss von Haltung, Deutungsmustern und Unterbewusstsein auf Gesprächssituationen 2023. XIII, 301 S. 31 Abb. Brosch. € (D) 49,99 | € (A) 51,39 | CHF 55.50 978-3-662-67787-2 € 39,99 | CHF 44.00 978-3-662-67788-9 (eBook)

Listening and silence are crucial for our conversation

We all assume that we are great listeners. Are we really one? No-one can prove it at the end, as the interpretation and assumptions of what was heard are maily not equal with the interpretation and assumptions of the speaker. To reduce this gap as much as posible, try the method ATTENTIVE listening.

ATTENTIVE listening:

  • Accept that multitasking is not possible, focus on listening only and follow the conversational flow.
  • Teaching and instructing do not go well with attentive listening, they belong in schools and courtrooms.
  • To ask questions as openly as possible is crucial, but don´t over prepare the conversation through question list. Questions are normally coming naturally.
  • Even repetition, paraphrasing and duplications should be avoided.
  • Not knowing and admitting it helps the conversation flow.
  • To the point and short should be your own statements.
  • Individual are our emotions which means they are free from any comparison and judgement and none of us would have in the same situation same emotions.
  • Very important is, that reproduction of rumors, word of mouth or hearsay does not belong to attentive listening.
  • Empathy and equality is the basis of a successful attentive conversation.

Are you curious to read more about the importancy of good listening skills, read my bock chapter „4.3 Zuhören und Stille ermöglichen, bewusst zu denken” reference page 143 following.